Will I Stay or Will I Go?

I came close to a point where I wanted to give up on myself

Giving up being who I am now

But a voice at the back of my head keeps calling me

Over and over again

To believe in Allah

I tell myself I want a break. And I need a break.

But a break from what? Reality? Oh really it doesn't work that way.

It kind of feels that everyone is against me. I know it's not true. And all I want is to just run away. But everywhere I go I keep falling, learning about my own flaws.

How do I stand up now? This whole self I have known for 22 years... this whole confidence and courage I have built up- put to test. I want to smile and face the world but it's just...

Well a part of me has gone. That shining eyes I see in the mirror- it's getting dimmer day by day.

Hammered to a point where I believe this is the test for me:

will I stay or will I go?

And it hurts to think that, I even thought of going.

Allah, please show me the way.

Unwritten

Can you keep up with my heartbeat?
To the rhythm of my defeat
It's beating, beating in agony
Courtesy of my own phantasy

I've made a mistake of not trusting You
And now I have to face the consequence
I know I'll get over this someday somewhere
But right now this ache I just can't replace

So tonight I'll drown my sadness away
With a melody of remembrance
In hopes that my heart will tremble
Back to You.. to You

And here's my final gift
One last smile as tears fall down my face
With my hands over my heart
Goodbye to a story unwritten

Two Worlds Apart

Two people were destined to meet. An American in his fifties and a Bruneian in her twenties. He was a Christian and she was a Muslim. They were bound to meet as work colleagues.

This is not your typical love story. After a meeting they decided to stay in the meeting room doing their own work. Along the way a conversation was started with the man talking about how his exposure to Brunei has changed his insight. He saw something here that was missing in America: respect for the elderly. They exchanged opinions going so far as to the topic of religion and how it contributes to a person's conduct. He then asked her opinions on the need of 'giving' because he finds it hard to give especially when the people close to him demands it. His heart felt constricted. So she talked about the heart. And along the way he understood the wisdom she was trying to deliver. When she finished and was about to leave, he said,

"Thank you God for letting me meet Sarah."

In that second, I froze in place. And I could only smile, thanking God that as a person, I was able to help a fellow human, thinking how beautiful life can be, if you live it earnestly.

This is not your typical love story. This is a story about being human. He is a Christian and I am a Muslim. But we're no different because the heart functions the same. And we both understand that we, need God.

Paper Heart

As I appear in your life, you read a synopsis of myself.

Think of my heart as a book,
think of my soul as a character,
think of my mind as a writer,
think of my voice as a pen,
think of my thoughts as words,
think of my days as sentences,
think of my months as paragraphs,
think of my years as pages,
think of my age as chapters,
think of my life as a story,
think of my death... as the end.

Remember The Refugees

Washed ashore
That's all we will ever know
A second too quick
Scrolled down and skipped

Kept at bay
Surviving in astray
Screams and tears
From all these years

What's a heart
When it beats on ignorance
What's a life
When it lives unprotected

Washed ashore
That's all we will ever know..

Savior

I was once a kid with no direction
Living life in search of exhilaration
Then a savior found me and guided me to an ambition
For a life filled with devotion

Since honesty is the best policy
I can't see why this path is not for me
For what it's worth internally
This is really who I am meant to be

So please just let me rhyme
In the midst of our prime
Of a melody we used to chime
As a reminder for another time

Just A Thought

Arriving home last night, there was a parcel sitting on the shoe rack. I left it there as I thought it was an item that I ordered. This morning, after reading the Quran, enveloped in my pink throw and holding close my Paopu plushie, I stared at the plushie thinking whether I should get another one before going back to Brunei. Disregarding that thought, I decided to take the parcel on the shoe rack and open it. Carefully slitting the sellotape around the edges, I unfolded the wrap. To my absolute astonishment, I was presented with a colorful box. Bewildered, I opened the box and I swear my heart rate accelerated and my breathing became hitched. 

I was beyond speechless. 

A medium paopu plushie and two cards were carefully situated in the box. I could only stare for what seemed like ages before I could put my hands on the cards. 

"Assalamu'alaikum ka Sarah" ... 

 I can only thank Allah for He is The All Hearing, The All Seeing, The Most Loving heart emoticon It was only a small thought that crossed my mind, and He made it a reality in a matter of seconds! Allahu Akbar. Sometimes as constant sinners, we feel that we do not deserve any blessings but really, life in itself, every breath that we take, is His way of providing and caring for us. All we need to do is just submit to Him wholeheartedly. 

"Do they not know that Allah extends provision for whom He wills and restricts [it]? Indeed in that are signs for the people who believe. Say, 'O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.' "

(Az-Zumar: 52 - 53)

All We Are

"You were made by God and for God - 

and until you understand that,

life will never make sense."

What Am I Missing?

Am I not a good person?

Sometimes it just feels like everyone is ignoring me.

It sucks, you know?

I thought I am capable on my own.

But I feel lonely.

I thought I am capable on my own.

But I desire company.

I thought I am capable on my own.

But I want to be acknowledged truly.

What am I missing?

All these conversations I have with myself.

Just because everyone else seems like they are living better off without me.

What am I missing?

This world is moving so fast.

I feel like I am slow in catching up.

Can someone.. anyone.. tell me?

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You forgot.

You forgot you have a soul to feed.

You forgot, on your own, you are weak.

You forgot, you need mercy.

You forgot, you have a Creator who deserves praising.

It has been a while since you last put your head on the ground, in submission to Him.

He gave you a life to live- you just took it all for granted, why do you need to pray and worship?

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It bothers you so much that no one seems to be responding to you.

Why does it not bother you that you are not responding to your God?

You have made yourself a god by thinking it is okay to not worship a God.

Who do you think made all these blessings in life?

Who do you think created your parents to give birth to you?

Who do you think you are?

You are no one, if you do not have Him in your life.

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Loving yourself, is admitting the fact that you are a fallible creature.

And beyond, acknowledging your God.

Loving yourself, is loving He who created you.

A simple equation to start living life right.

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It is not too late.

While you are still breathing.

وَوَجَدَكَ عَائِلًا فَأَغْنَىٰ 

 "And He found you lost and guided [you]"

 [Ad-Dhuhaa : 7]

Differences

Because I'm human, I am easily depressed when things don't go my way. But because I'm human, I'm also able to easily smile when I see someone else smile.

Entering the prayer room in Students' Union, I sat and recited the holy verses whilst waiting for 'Asr time. A sister came in while happily spreading salam to each and every sister in the room, myself included. She sat in front of me. I think she too, recited softly. 'Asr time came.

I started praying 'Asr and a minute later, she came to join me so I automatically switched my niyah to becoming imam. We prayed 4 raka'ats together. I realised during the prayer, there were several movements of ours that were different. I did not let it bother me (like it did when I first arrived here) until the end of the prayer. After the last tahiyyat, she immediately turned to me, smiled widely and said, "Jazakillahu khaiyr sister."

I could only smile and reply, "Wajazakillahu khaiyr."

Differences. There will always be differences in each and every one of us. From the way we perceive things, to how we dress, how we talk, how we practice our Islam. Yet differences are not meant to divide us. We are one and the same: of flesh and blood. Islam in the West has opened my eyes to respect the differences in the way we practice our religion. But one thing remains the same: we submit to The One and Only. He keeps our rope tied together through faith.

So I don't know who you are sister, but your smile warms my heart and soul. May Allah bless you.

For making my day,
thank You.

Memoir of A Sinner

Your words pierced through my naked soul; the firm intensity probed my consciousness, raking for the guilt in me to come to surface.

I have none; not even an exoneration for myself, just a marred insight to my flaws. What appeared to be vindictive is now just.. remorse.

He gave you a gift: of words that will carve contemplation in the human soul. Fallible as we both are, I am still wary of your prominence.

Words of that mighty power will be the bane of my existence. And now, begrudgingly I witness, I have transgressed against myself.

But woe be to me; for in my moments of weakness, my repentance takes on altitude. However in the impending doom, I will incur His wrath and again I shall weep.

But until then, I shall be the one to seek.

The Mother In Me

Assalamu'alaikum wrb,

Dearest brothers and sisters,

With an emotionally hurt heart, I ask of you to read this short entry before you read what I have to say about it:

Your Heart Will Never Be The Same After Reading This Mother’s Tale

This article ripped my heart apart. What they have gone through is a journey of trust and tawakkul. What I have experienced in life so far is nothing, compared to what she had gone through. And yet she humbly lives her life in accordance to what Allah wants her to. Thank you, dear Umm Muhammad for inspiring me on how to live.

I pray to be a mother who bear sons who syahid their way through life like the sahabiyah: Al Khansa binti Amru. She was one of the greatest poets. And when she heard that her sons were syahid in battle, she said, "Alhamdulillah".

And Umm Muhammad as in the article, she said, “I chose Quran, the words of Allaah to accompany me. I read Quran every single day, each day increasing in the amount I read. I found a teacher to teach me tajweed. And subhanAllah by the time my husband was released, I had memorised the whole Quraan and had raised our three children in his absence”.

The best one yet:

“There is one time though, my husband does speak” 

“Oh, when is that?” 

“I recite all day, reviewing a juz or two a day. No matter where in the house, I am reciting- if I make a mistake, he speaks up and corrects it.”

No matter how the husband lost his mind in other sense, he has the Quran intact within him. After years of torture... I cannot fathom his pain, however I also cannot fathom how huge his tawakkul to Allah is... Allahu Akbar.

I pale in comparison to them.

May they be a motivation for me - for us - to strive in His path. Allahuma Ameen.

Delusional Therapy

Assalamu'alaikum wrb brothers and sisters,

Have you asked yourself why are you still in the same delusion (dilemma)? You actually think you've done everything right this time around but still you actually haven't moved an inch.

Sure what happened has hurt you. A lot. The scar, may it not be fresh, its effect tremendous to your heart.

You are concocting the notion that you have moved on.

You haven't.

Moving on. Sounds easy but in fact.. it is.

(Wait what! Are you kidding me?)

Hold on there, let me continue.

If you let it. That is.

You have convinced yourself to not love except yourself. And in that process, you have closed the pathway for God to enter.

Retract your steps. Let Him in. It's not just in your prayers. Yes you do your 5 prayers, that's amazing. But. There is something else you have not yet grasped. Serenity. Inner peace.

You need to learn about Him. Love Him. And only in loving Him can you appreciate the beauty of everything around you. He created you out of love. The simplest thing you can do is give love back.

To love and to be loved. Is the most natural thing to do in life.

At least try :)

And until then. May Allah ease your affairs.