Memoir of A Sinner

Your words pierced through my naked soul; the firm intensity probed my consciousness, raking for the guilt in me to come to surface.

I have none; not even an exoneration for myself, just a marred insight to my flaws. What appeared to be vindictive is now just.. remorse.

He gave you a gift: of words that will carve contemplation in the human soul. Fallible as we both are, I am still wary of your prominence.

Words of that mighty power will be the bane of my existence. And now, begrudgingly I witness, I have transgressed against myself.

But woe be to me; for in my moments of weakness, my repentance takes on altitude. However in the impending doom, I will incur His wrath and again I shall weep.

But until then, I shall be the one to seek.

The Mother In Me

Assalamu'alaikum wrb,

Dearest brothers and sisters,

With an emotionally hurt heart, I ask of you to read this short entry before you read what I have to say about it:

Your Heart Will Never Be The Same After Reading This Mother’s Tale

This article ripped my heart apart. What they have gone through is a journey of trust and tawakkul. What I have experienced in life so far is nothing, compared to what she had gone through. And yet she humbly lives her life in accordance to what Allah wants her to. Thank you, dear Umm Muhammad for inspiring me on how to live.

I pray to be a mother who bear sons who syahid their way through life like the sahabiyah: Al Khansa binti Amru. She was one of the greatest poets. And when she heard that her sons were syahid in battle, she said, "Alhamdulillah".

And Umm Muhammad as in the article, she said, “I chose Quran, the words of Allaah to accompany me. I read Quran every single day, each day increasing in the amount I read. I found a teacher to teach me tajweed. And subhanAllah by the time my husband was released, I had memorised the whole Quraan and had raised our three children in his absence”.

The best one yet:

“There is one time though, my husband does speak” 

“Oh, when is that?” 

“I recite all day, reviewing a juz or two a day. No matter where in the house, I am reciting- if I make a mistake, he speaks up and corrects it.”

No matter how the husband lost his mind in other sense, he has the Quran intact within him. After years of torture... I cannot fathom his pain, however I also cannot fathom how huge his tawakkul to Allah is... Allahu Akbar.

I pale in comparison to them.

May they be a motivation for me - for us - to strive in His path. Allahuma Ameen.

Delusional Therapy

Assalamu'alaikum wrb brothers and sisters,

Have you asked yourself why are you still in the same delusion (dilemma)? You actually think you've done everything right this time around but still you actually haven't moved an inch.

Sure what happened has hurt you. A lot. The scar, may it not be fresh, its effect tremendous to your heart.

You are concocting the notion that you have moved on.

You haven't.

Moving on. Sounds easy but in fact.. it is.

(Wait what! Are you kidding me?)

Hold on there, let me continue.

If you let it. That is.

You have convinced yourself to not love except yourself. And in that process, you have closed the pathway for God to enter.

Retract your steps. Let Him in. It's not just in your prayers. Yes you do your 5 prayers, that's amazing. But. There is something else you have not yet grasped. Serenity. Inner peace.

You need to learn about Him. Love Him. And only in loving Him can you appreciate the beauty of everything around you. He created you out of love. The simplest thing you can do is give love back.

To love and to be loved. Is the most natural thing to do in life.

At least try :)

And until then. May Allah ease your affairs.