Under Your Feet

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Dear brothers and sisters,

Who in this world do you value the most?

Today, I am going to tell you about my most valuable person. My Jannah lies under her feet. My mother. She carried me for 9 months and for undergoing through that pain Mom, I will eternally be grateful. Sarah rindu Mama :')

See.. my Mom, she is not exactly an academically educated person considering she quit school early.. but what she has taught me in my years of living.. is worth more than any education this world can provide. She gave me the knowledge of the deen. Constantly mentioning Allah S.W.T. ever since I was small. I never took heed.. but now that I do..

Ya Allah.. grant her Jannah.

There is one thing I pray that I will be able to do for her. My dream. I want to send her for Hajj with my father. I want to earn the money myself and present that gift to her. My Mom has not gone for Hajj yet and as I am becoming more mature, she is getting older. And she needs to complete her 5th pillar. I sincerely pray that I will be able to fulfill this wish.

She never complains always staying home every single day. The only people that she sees in her life is us, her husband and children. And her family.. is in Singapore. Not in Brunei. And what do we as her children do.. We constantly ignore her advices. Yet she is still patient and passionate.

Maybe I should have been more closer to her. But it's not too late. It's never too late. I do feel that when I call home I find myself opening up bit by bit. Oh Allah, You soften my heart and Alhamdulillah I am able to love more and give more.

Ma, I miss you.

Words

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Dear brothers and sisters,

I made a mistake. A huge mistake. But the second I realised what I did, it was too late to take it back. This is it about words.. you can never take it back once it is spoken.

I have let myself down, let others down and most importantly, I have done something which Allah S.W.T disfavor. The act of gossiping and backbiting. And I am wondering when will I ever stop this bad habit. To be honest, I am that type of person who speaks without thinking. This mouth of mine needs to be filtered. Today, I said something I should not have.. about another person to someone else.. When I realised what I had done, it was just too late.. and the remorse I feel is how shameful and disgraceful I am as a servant.

Alhamdulillah Allah S.W.T is Just. He gave me time to reflect upon myself (muhasabah) and rewarded me with friends who help me gain strength from this defeat of imaan. It is most obvious that I am not perfect, so when I talk about others behind their back, does it now show how ugly I am? That my heart is still corrupted. And I hate it. Why does my tongue roll out judgement easily? Ya Allah.. It is shameful for me because I have prayed for forgiveness during the end of Zulhijjah. So why did I easily sin again after that? :')

But when I think about it, is He not teaching me a lesson is such a way that I will not do it again? Because He knows what is best for me. I may have gone worse that there was a need for today to happen. But Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. Allahu Akbar.

Blessings

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Dear brothers and sisters, in my Quranic Session today we talked about the blessings that we are given by Allah S.W.T. Truth be told every single thing in this life is a blessing. This life in itself is a blessing. So be grateful :) And let Him know you are grateful by doing all the things He loves. Start by praying :) And this is a post found and I would like to share it as well.

Today, try to count Allah’s blessings in your life.

Start with your breath, your beating heart, your ability to see, smell and touch, and the ability to laugh…

Continue to your favorite foods, the roof over your head, and the people who love you…

From there move out to the blue sky, the beauty of a single tree, the sunshine on your face, and the majesty of a rising moon…

Keep counting…

Don’t forget your imaan (your faith) and your knowledge of Allah. That is the greatest blessing of Allah and the truth is that you did nothing to earn it; rather it was a gift from Allah’s infinite mercy.

Also do not forget your safety. So many people in this world live in unsafe conditions; in war, poverty, starvation, refugee camps, political imprisonment, and other forms of extreme hardship. Just to wake up in your bed in the morning and know that your life is not in immediate danger is a great blessing.

Keep counting…

Allah says: “[...] and if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them,”(14:34).

A Chapter Closed

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Dear sisters and brothers,

SubhanAllah being here in the UK, I thank Allah S.W.T for giving me hidayah day by day. Masya Allah how every single day I find myself loving Islam more and more. When you open your heart to the blessings that Allah gives you, you will find contentment. I am blessed to be studying in Sheffield, where I have lovely ukhuwahs close-by to help me repair myself and fix my deen. Everyday I look forward to the time when I will do sujood, to magnify His glory, to make myself understand, that I am no one but just a mere creation.

Only recently, have I deleted my old Facebook account and created a new one. It is because of the fact that there are countless pictures of me without full coverage there. And I am scared. I keep repenting but my sin of having my pictures seen by non-mahrams is still running loose. So with the aid of my lovely ukhuwahs who asked me which is more important: dunia or akhirah? So a simple solution to that was just to delete my Facebook. It was a lot to take in because basically most of my life was in there but then again... that's my worldly life and I'm IN NEED of my akhirah. He's always watching. After deleting my Facebook, I felt such a huge relief. Masya Allah. That part of my story is closed. Let the past be the past. My past made me ME but let's not open the chapters of sin anymore and walk the path of Jannah, In Sya Allah :)

This quote from: http://youtu.be/dv1cKCVzv4I video has opened my eyes. Masya Allah. Bless the sister who shared the video.

"The more you grow, the more you study, the more Imaan you have. The more you become dis-attracted to some of the things, of the dunya. You don't like what you used to do. I have Quran in my heart, I have the love of the Prophet, I have the love of Allah, I have something in me. And I'm now different. I feel different."

Pray for me. That I will always follow the deen.

Protect Me

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Salam from Sheffield, Yorkshire. Alhamdulillah I am now able to pursue my Degree in a foreign country. I have to say my first exposure to United Kingdom was... Masya Allah. How great of Allah S.W.T to let His creations build such fine architecture. And Alhamdulillah even, when I thought there would be less Muslims, there are literally a lot of international Muslims in Sheffield. My heart moved when I passed by a woman wearing a hijab - she smiled and whispered "Assalamualaikum". Ya Allah, You are The Greatest.

Currently I am living in a flat with 5 girls. One is from Cyprus, one is from Japan and the other three are home students. And already the first night, I was invited to a party. Astaghfirullahalzhiim. This is another barrier for me to overcome living in a not Islamic country. But Alhamdullilah, the sisters are here :) Praying that there will be a Quranic Circle session soon. There is also one Muslim in my flat. I met her family the second day of my stay and Masya Allah they are so welcoming. Insya Allah I will be able to develop a better relationship with her :)

Until then, please pray for me that I will have to strength and patience to live in this hall :')

I Need Your Guidance

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings brothers and sisters! Alhamdulillah, we meet again with the Holy month of Ramadhan. Such a blessing that we still get to breathe the air and is given the chance to repent and pray to Allah The Almighty. What we are now is all due to His grace. Alhamdulillah, syukur. So it has been a year now, since I created this blog. And yes, it has been a year since I started this change and I have only grew SO little. But Insya Allah, this Ramadhan I will try to repair myself inside and out with the help of al-Furqan. I admit, this heart, is still very devious. Such a frail being I am.

In the last 3 months, I have been situated a distance away from home. In reach, but away. Alhamdulillah, I have been given the chance to become a potential scholar of BSP. And Insya Alllah, Amin Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin, I will become a scholar if I do pass the upcoming interview. So in becoming a potential scholar, I had to undergo 3 months of attachment with the company itself and was put in an apartment with the rest of the potential scholars. I met new people - and people - other than our own self - is a challenge that we have to face. Attitudes and personalities. It takes a while to get used to. Especially dealing with almost three dozen people. I also have to deal with myself because I can get annoying when I talk too much, I know that and sometimes I just blurt out whatever is in my head without thinking first. And I pray that they will forgive me..

Hopefully I have put the right effort, in trying to get close to each and everyone of the individuals there. Maybe not enough for friendship, enough for just being acquaintances, as sometimes people put a barrier in between just enough to acknowledge but not enough room for more than that. However it went, it must be Allah's willing, no matter how sad it makes me feel but then sometimes I tell myself, why put priorities to people when there is Allah? But Alhamdulillah Ya Allah, I have two roommates, who I grew with during this 3 months of attachment. I love how we always pray together and talk about akhirah matters together other than the jokes. I watched them become someone better each day and I hope that I have too, become one.

Also Masya Allah, my lovely seniors, I look up to them - Alhamdulillah they are all great people. I thank Allah S.W.T for being alive and being able to interact with them, replenish myself into someone better. For any matters regarding religion, they are more than keen to talk to me about it and we also go to a Quran Circle sessions. SubhanAllah, I have never been exposed to Islam in this way because of a different peer pressure feel in my hometown, and Alhamdulillah I love Allah, I love Rasulullah and I love Islam more and more.

But here on I have to admit, with different people I kind of change my attitude. When I was in Seria and being mixed with the right Islamic crowd, I feel content to practice Islam and talk about it openly. But here in Bandar, it is definitely a challenge, where some of my peers dislike to discuss Islamic matters and because of that, I too change into someone who talks what they talk. Astaghfirullahalazhiim. Yesterday, I met most of the people I used hang out with in the past, and I do not know why, I fist bump-ed them. Female skin touching male skin. And it was me who initiated the move. Only after doing it did I realize, I am such a fool. After not doing it for so long, why am I the first to start it? Ya Allah, forgive me. I also met a Chinese friend who asked me since when did I start wearing the hijab and told me it was weird for him. The question that lies here is that, to become better do you have to abandon the people who does not help you to become one? I still need Your guidance..

Insya Allah, in this Holy month, I will find a better self. Replenish my soul and intentions only for the sake of Allah S.W.T. Amin Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Slipping

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings brothers and sisters! Life has been taking on its own course lately that I'm lost in its grip. Lately I feel that I have hurt people through my words and actions. I think that I am being myself.. but is it really my true self? If it is.. then I am so horrible. Ya Allah, what have I become? I need a renewal of faith and a slap to my face to remind me of my purpose on Earth.

I met someone who, in a way challenges me to become better. Being around her makes me think of this incompetent self of mine. That I'm a foolish servant. But in a good way I want to change myself to become like her. Like all the seniors I have met. It's a question I have to ask myself. When I return from UK, will I be one of those who are culture shocked or.. Insya Allah someone who knows herself, her religion and her God.

What I know now is that..

I climb, I slip, I fall.

And now I need to climb back up again, little by little, Insya Allah :)

Life.. and Questions

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings brothers and sisters! The month of April is here now. Alhamdulillah. It is all due to the blessings from Allah S.W.T. We wake up and continue to be grateful and live our lives but let's not forget who we are and where we come from.

In all honesty, I have not been keeping tabs to my end of the bargain. I do, I do still wear the hijab but I still, I still sometimes do not - especially now that I attend dance training. To be a full-fledged Muslimah there are things we have to sacrifice; things that should not have been brought into our culture in the first place. But in this modern mixed world, everything is upside down especially on the Islamic turnout. Many are believers but not many are doers.

My Mom keeps saying all what I am doing right now is a complete waste of time. I still do not know why.. am I still doing it. I attend dance training especially since I have been accepted into a group who now I treat as family, I go jamming with my band-mates every now and then, I just learned to play the guitar and practice to upgrade my skills when I assume I have nothing else to do, I still watch Korean dramas, Japanese dramas and anime. In a way all I'm doing is gaining skills and fulfilling desires for this world and this world only which gives entirely nothing to my Akhirah.

I guess we are all in the same boat. We know it is worthless but we still keep doing it. The drive to pursue our ambitions and dreams in this world pushes our faith aside or even if it is there, it is only a small piece of what should be whole and pure. We question it but we have no real answers. And here I am, writing about it and still getting nothing.

Life is a question that we have to solve. 19 years of living has gave me that. And I'm only still starting my journey.

Tongue-tied

Assalammualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings my dear brothers and sisters! It has been a while. Why is it that when I am on the editing page I get writer's block but when I'm away from my laptop all these ideas keep coming in. But here I go! Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

The future... is a hard thing to think of. I am now in search of finding the right path towards the future and I pray everyday, that Allah S.W.T will lead me to the right one. Amin. A Level is over and done with... and this break is only temporary. How will I be able to spend my 6 months freedom to decide my future? My very own future. I cannot depend on opinions of others.. but I've heard people's opinions too and it helped me a bit in choosing my own path. What I can do now is pray and have faith.

I recently find myself having problems giving advises to people I am close with because I was once the girl who rarely prays and when I talk with them I give different kinds of advises, positive but.. worldly. Nowadays whenever people tell their problems to me, I still listen but.. I itch to say "Pray to Allah. Your solution is there." but I never could.. Because I know they would judge me. Isn't that sad and cowardly of me? Take a situation when they tell me about relationship problems. How they love someone with all their heart and their loved one is all they could think about. I used to tell them to go out and enjoy different kinds of activities.. something along those lines but now.... I feel like telling them "Remember Allah. He's always there for you." I guess I'm still pathetic. Because I don't want them to stay away from me I refrain from telling what should be told. I do not know what I should do.

Two years back I used to chill out from afternoon until midnight at different places and different people. Now two years later whenever I go to places and bump into those people, my heart aches.. how they are still.. the same. It's just that we are youths of an Islamic country. I want everyone to strive for the true path. How do I initiate a change in my brothers and sisters?

I now understand that the daily five prayers are truly the foundation of faith. It is the second pillar of Islam that we should obey. Without it, we are lost, disconnected from Allah S.W.T. I had a conversation with a friend the other day, and I have always been meaning to get her to perform her prayers but I never knew how to start because at that point of the conversation, things always get weird and uncomfortable. Some people, I notice, tend to stray away from religious conversations. When I finally said, "Start praying." her answer is "When I'm ready." I used to say the same thing - that one day I will start to pray on my own will and Alhamdulillah I finally came to it. But now that I've come to it, I realised another thing.. time is not on our side. What if.. the time when we are ready never comes because Nauzubillah, Allah takes away our life? And I never want that to happen to my family and friends... because I love them so much I want them to enter Jannah. Yes it definitely sucks when we are forced to pray because our heart is not in it but.. isn't that in itself the devil's call? To lure you away from the right path?

What I want is just for everyone to start praying no matter if our heart isn't in it yet because once we start praying, Insya Allah, Allah S.W.T will enlighten our soul. I truly believe that with prayers, come a change.

Thank You, Mother

Assalammualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

It's 7th February today. My mother, the person who carried me in her womb for 9 months, suffering through pain of bearing me, is one year older than her age last year. Her birthday is today. And although my sister is not home to bring us all out for dinner, I have my prayers for her. It must have been a roller-coaster journey raising me. I used to throw my tantrums and lose my temper easily. I was even slapped once or maybe twice. I admit I went overboard.

Dear mother, for your relentless efforts I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have yet to experience what you have. Like what you always tell me, I will feel what you feel when I have kids on my own but DO NOT continue the irreligious streak, pass on guides to Allah for my kids. Amin.

Mauliddur Rasul has just passed us but we WON'T stop remembering him and loving him. Allahuma Salli 'ala Sayyidina Muhammad. I have so much more to say but as my Graduation approaches, my time is mostly occupied by rehearsals and responsibilities.

I have to say that I need to purify my heart, back to a pure intention for Allah S.W.T. As people have been noticing my changes, I'm afraid that this heart will stray and I need to replenish my heart, mind and soul everytime by reading the Quran and Islamic books. Ya Allah, guide me through this dunia for akhirah.