Drained from the aura surrounding her, she forced a quick smile and gradually made her exit, finding her way towards the stairs, taking one step at a time slowly and deliberately. Her mind has switched off and her eyes turned into a blank stare. Lethargically opening the door, she walked towards her bed apathetically, lied down and hugged herself. As the events of the day unfolded in her mind, she felt a jolt of pain, throbbing her head into a panic frenzy. She hugged herself tighter... until she lost consciousness.
Opening her eyes, she wondered where she was. She searched for her watch and looked at the time- 7.14 p.m. "Oh no," she thought as Maghrib time was almost over. Wobbly, she made her way to the toilet to make her ablution. The water felt cold on her skin. Slightly rejuvenated, she began her fourth conversation to God with "Allahu Akbar". After her two raka'ah of sunnah prayer, she pressed the back of her body to the locker at the side. She wanted to say so many words but... to whom? A list of names came to mind but... it did not feel right. She brushed it all away and in the silence, she looked up. Her whole world suddenly came crashing down, inviting a stream of tears.
Allah...
Allah...
Allah...
"Stop crying," she scolded herself. It was futile. Whatever strength she had in herself has transformed into vulnerability. She hated it, she wanted to be strong all the time. Her tears became more frenzied. The adhaan was heard indicating it was 'Isya time. More sobs came. Her body has turned cold. Slapping her mind, she languidly stood, deciding to cleanse all the pain away.
She turned on the shower and raised the temperature as high as her body can handle. The world outside was too cold, too cold for her. She stood rigidly, letting the water flow furiously from the nozzle. Her face was burning but she could not care less. At that moment, her world was summed up in the heat, away from the coldness of the outside reality. Her mind only focused on the temperature of the water and how the external heat is in equilibrium with her internal temperature.
She was wallowing in her own misery.
Then a thought on her Prophet sallallahu 'alaihi wassalam struck her mind. Was this how he felt after the Taif incident or worse? She could not fathom the intense feeling Rasulullah sallallahu 'alaihi wassalam must have felt. And she sobbed even further. She allowed herself to indulge in the heat a little bit more and will-powered the muscles in her hand to turn the shower off. Exiting the shower, she was besieged by the intense cold temperature. Bracing the shiver surfacing, she faced this challenge head on. She felt a bit better.
Allahuma salli 'ala sayyidina Muhammad. Her Prophet sallallahu 'alaihi wassalam came to her rescue. Her love to him becomes greater.
The reflection in the mirror was smiling back at her. She donned her prayer garments and started her fifth conversation to God. "You're okay. You're going to be okay." With that in mind, she broke once again, only finding real solitude in her sujood. After her prayer, just like another revelation, a repeated one however, she truly realised, no matter what this world throws at her, no matter how massive her test will be and no matter lonely she feels, Allah will always be by her side.
He made fragile her whole essence, to let her find her way back to Him. Alhamdulillah...
With renewed vigour, she writes.
