Memoir of A Sinner

Your words pierced through my naked soul; the firm intensity probed my consciousness, raking for the guilt in me to come to surface.

I have none; not even an exoneration for myself, just a marred insight to my flaws. What appeared to be vindictive is now just.. remorse.

He gave you a gift: of words that will carve contemplation in the human soul. Fallible as we both are, I am still wary of your prominence.

Words of that mighty power will be the bane of my existence. And now, begrudgingly I witness, I have transgressed against myself.

But woe be to me; for in my moments of weakness, my repentance takes on altitude. However in the impending doom, I will incur His wrath and again I shall weep.

But until then, I shall be the one to seek.

The Mother In Me

Assalamu'alaikum wrb,

Dearest brothers and sisters,

With an emotionally hurt heart, I ask of you to read this short entry before you read what I have to say about it:

Your Heart Will Never Be The Same After Reading This Mother’s Tale

This article ripped my heart apart. What they have gone through is a journey of trust and tawakkul. What I have experienced in life so far is nothing, compared to what she had gone through. And yet she humbly lives her life in accordance to what Allah wants her to. Thank you, dear Umm Muhammad for inspiring me on how to live.

I pray to be a mother who bear sons who syahid their way through life like the sahabiyah: Al Khansa binti Amru. She was one of the greatest poets. And when she heard that her sons were syahid in battle, she said, "Alhamdulillah".

And Umm Muhammad as in the article, she said, “I chose Quran, the words of Allaah to accompany me. I read Quran every single day, each day increasing in the amount I read. I found a teacher to teach me tajweed. And subhanAllah by the time my husband was released, I had memorised the whole Quraan and had raised our three children in his absence”.

The best one yet:

“There is one time though, my husband does speak” 

“Oh, when is that?” 

“I recite all day, reviewing a juz or two a day. No matter where in the house, I am reciting- if I make a mistake, he speaks up and corrects it.”

No matter how the husband lost his mind in other sense, he has the Quran intact within him. After years of torture... I cannot fathom his pain, however I also cannot fathom how huge his tawakkul to Allah is... Allahu Akbar.

I pale in comparison to them.

May they be a motivation for me - for us - to strive in His path. Allahuma Ameen.

Delusional Therapy

Assalamu'alaikum wrb brothers and sisters,

Have you asked yourself why are you still in the same delusion (dilemma)? You actually think you've done everything right this time around but still you actually haven't moved an inch.

Sure what happened has hurt you. A lot. The scar, may it not be fresh, its effect tremendous to your heart.

You are concocting the notion that you have moved on.

You haven't.

Moving on. Sounds easy but in fact.. it is.

(Wait what! Are you kidding me?)

Hold on there, let me continue.

If you let it. That is.

You have convinced yourself to not love except yourself. And in that process, you have closed the pathway for God to enter.

Retract your steps. Let Him in. It's not just in your prayers. Yes you do your 5 prayers, that's amazing. But. There is something else you have not yet grasped. Serenity. Inner peace.

You need to learn about Him. Love Him. And only in loving Him can you appreciate the beauty of everything around you. He created you out of love. The simplest thing you can do is give love back.

To love and to be loved. Is the most natural thing to do in life.

At least try :)

And until then. May Allah ease your affairs.

No One

Assalamu'alaikum wrb,

Dearest sisters and brothers,

Sometimes.. have you ever felt like.. no one understands you?

Let me tell you that yes, it is supposed to be that way.

Because that's where you find connection with Your Creator.

If there is someone who understands you wholly... you'd forget about the other world - the Eternal Life. You'd make this world your haven. It isn't.

That why you need to always seek refuge in Him.

We are such selfish creed being. Once we attain what we want, we'd forget Him. It's unfortunate but it's true. Every single thing on this earth makes us forget Him. Dunya = pleasure. Spend in it too much, we'd drown. We want the unattainable. So we need balance.

And balance is what we currently need to seek. A reminder for myself, first and foremost.

The Changeling

Assalamu'alaikum wrb dearest sisters and brothers,

May all of us still be granted hidayah and walking on His path :)

It was four years ago, in class that I wrote this composition. I enjoyed playing with words therefore I want to share this piece. Enjoy! :)

"The sun was showering love and warmth on the trees and the flowers, giving them an immense amount of energy to complete their essence. Plain green was painted with blotches of colorful flowers. The trees stood proudly, boasting about the fact that they belonged. The flowers bloomed exquisitely, only to the delight of the sun and the sky. The shrubs cloaked the dominant white walls with their thorny branches. All claimed quintessential territory. A solemn serenity filled the entire place. But it was as cheerless as the grave; there was a void in this setting. The fauna was unseen.

A small step made its way towards nature.

The leaves of the trees were rustling, perturbed by the sudden intrusion of a strange presence in the stillness. But the glass warmed the soles of the unknown, cherishing the proximity of another being after so long.

Ester stood in the centre of the earth, gazing upon the eerie silence. His eyes were observing nature, never missing any single beat of change. In his place, any other child would be shrieking in gaiety for the freedom. But strain never once left his eyes - the eyes of an old age bearing a young face. His blonde hair was tousled. He felt unwanted, but he didn't retaliate.

He wouldn't.

Ester felt it - the creeping disruption that was spreading amongst the trees. He also knew, that the wind was watching him intently, for silence echoed throughout nature as he took another step forward.

Ester was still.

And after a few moments, he lay down on the grass - the grass which hugged his back tightly. He extended his hands towards the sky, blocking the sun from penetrating through his eyes - his inner self. A shadow formed on his face, touching his skin.

Ester remembered everything. He recalled the times when he was five. He was walking alone towards the park. And every step he made added to more whispers in the background. By the age of seven, he was numb to all other beings except himself. His sagacity showed him the truth.

His existence was feared.

It was just natural for people to avoid him - avoid his gaze. Ester was a wandering soul on earth. An empty glass. A shattered mirror.

And now, nature too was intimidated,

To the utmost chagrin of the shadow, the sun slowly insinuated itself onto Ester's skin, grasping hold. Ester nonchalantly and languidly stood up. All those thoughts dwelling inside his mind dissolved into thin air.

A soft melody was reverberating in the air, breaking the overwhelming silence, spreading euphoria in nature. The seething trees were sullenly mystified, incredulous to whatever was happening. The flowers emanated pure radiance.

Ester sensed a flutist ahead of him. With thoughtful trails he ascended the grassy stairway which spiraled all the way towards the top. As he reached the last step, the melody vanished, devoured once more by the compressing silence.

A voice occupied the neglected air.

"Welcome, changeling. I've been waiting."

Ester smiled."

Relationship

Assalamu'alaikum wrb :) Dedicated to my readers. I guess sooner or later relationship issues will hit us. But rest assured, Allah is always there to guide us. Kudos to Aiman Azlan. All rights goes to him. I simply pasted the information here. May Allah bless you.

Relationship: Almost All Of My Friends Have Boyfriends, Except Me. Why?

Assalamualaikum Aiman.

I broke up with my first love after a year. After that, I never had a boyfriend. Sometimes I ask myself, "Am I too ugly to have a boyfriend?" Almost all of my friends have boyfriends and when we go out, they always tell me about their boyfriends. I feel jealous.

Why does Allah do this to me?

----------

Waalaikumussalam.

Thank you for your honest question.

The desire to love and to be loved is natural. I have it, you have it, and others have it too. However, in Islam, we are taught how to love and to be loved in a way that God intends it. In Islam, we are also taught that we all have the power to make our own choices.

Hence, in this case, we can choose whether to love and to be loved the way God intends it or not. In the end, we will all live and die with the consequences of our choices, for better or for worse.

I can imagine that you are feeling unappreciated knowing that you are boyfriend-less while most of your friends are with boyfriends. I am not trying to ridicule or undermine your feelings about this subject. I acknowledge the pain. What I suggest to you is to reconsider the situation from a different perspective.

Don't be sad that you don't have a boyfriend. Instead, be grateful.

The Quran said clearly, "And do not approach zina (premarital sex). Indeed, it is an ever immorality and is evil as a way." (Surah al-Isra: 32)

Zina is a destination and there are paths that lead to that destination. Not only does Islam teaches us not to commit zina, it also teaches us not to go near it. We shouldn't even be on the paths to zina, let alone arrive at the destination. In English they have a saying, "Prevention is better than cure." In this particular case, the saying fits perfectly. We are preventing ourselves from zina by avoiding the paths that lead to it.

When you are on the path, you will eventually arrive at the destination. It might take a short time or it might take a long time, but surely you will arrive at the destination if you keep walking on that path.

One of the paths that lead to zina is this boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.

If you look at it that way, you should be grateful that Allah saved you from being on that path. Instead of feeling jealous about your friends, you should feel a sense of compassion for them and you should wish that they get off that path as well. They should be more like you, not the other way around.

This isn't to say that the people who have boyfriends or girlfriends are bad people. We don't condemn a person because of one sin. The person might be doing a sin in public, but we have no idea about all the good deeds that he or she commits in private. So we leave the judging part to Allah. But for this one particular sin, we offer our help if the person wants it and we ask Allah to open his or her heart to change for the better.

I hope that helps. Forgive me if I have said something I shouldn't have.

Allah knows best.

May Allah grant you a righteous, lawfully-wedded spouse and may you both enter Jannah together. Ameen.

p/s: You are not too ugly to have a boyfriend. You are too precious to have one.

AIMAN AZLAN

www.aimanazlan.com

When the world fades away..

You wake up startled, looking at the watch; afraid that you'll be late. Sighing in relief you start preparing yourself. He's waiting for you. Splashing cold water on your face, you re-energise yourself. Get a hold on yourself, you need to look and feel great. Staring at your reflection, giving yourself a once-over, you smile. Decent. There were times that you were late and for most of it you cried, afraid that you have disappointed the one you love. But now you want to be on time. There's a chance! You need to prove that you're willing to do anything. Love can get to such an extent, right? That dawning realisation seems to motivate you further. Yes you are ready for your date now. With the ambience beckoning to be gratified, you have never felt more at peace. And then you begin praying. A date with Allah in the last third of the night.. as the rest of the world begins to fade.