I Need Your Guidance

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings brothers and sisters! Alhamdulillah, we meet again with the Holy month of Ramadhan. Such a blessing that we still get to breathe the air and is given the chance to repent and pray to Allah The Almighty. What we are now is all due to His grace. Alhamdulillah, syukur. So it has been a year now, since I created this blog. And yes, it has been a year since I started this change and I have only grew SO little. But Insya Allah, this Ramadhan I will try to repair myself inside and out with the help of al-Furqan. I admit, this heart, is still very devious. Such a frail being I am.

In the last 3 months, I have been situated a distance away from home. In reach, but away. Alhamdulillah, I have been given the chance to become a potential scholar of BSP. And Insya Alllah, Amin Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin, I will become a scholar if I do pass the upcoming interview. So in becoming a potential scholar, I had to undergo 3 months of attachment with the company itself and was put in an apartment with the rest of the potential scholars. I met new people - and people - other than our own self - is a challenge that we have to face. Attitudes and personalities. It takes a while to get used to. Especially dealing with almost three dozen people. I also have to deal with myself because I can get annoying when I talk too much, I know that and sometimes I just blurt out whatever is in my head without thinking first. And I pray that they will forgive me..

Hopefully I have put the right effort, in trying to get close to each and everyone of the individuals there. Maybe not enough for friendship, enough for just being acquaintances, as sometimes people put a barrier in between just enough to acknowledge but not enough room for more than that. However it went, it must be Allah's willing, no matter how sad it makes me feel but then sometimes I tell myself, why put priorities to people when there is Allah? But Alhamdulillah Ya Allah, I have two roommates, who I grew with during this 3 months of attachment. I love how we always pray together and talk about akhirah matters together other than the jokes. I watched them become someone better each day and I hope that I have too, become one.

Also Masya Allah, my lovely seniors, I look up to them - Alhamdulillah they are all great people. I thank Allah S.W.T for being alive and being able to interact with them, replenish myself into someone better. For any matters regarding religion, they are more than keen to talk to me about it and we also go to a Quran Circle sessions. SubhanAllah, I have never been exposed to Islam in this way because of a different peer pressure feel in my hometown, and Alhamdulillah I love Allah, I love Rasulullah and I love Islam more and more.

But here on I have to admit, with different people I kind of change my attitude. When I was in Seria and being mixed with the right Islamic crowd, I feel content to practice Islam and talk about it openly. But here in Bandar, it is definitely a challenge, where some of my peers dislike to discuss Islamic matters and because of that, I too change into someone who talks what they talk. Astaghfirullahalazhiim. Yesterday, I met most of the people I used hang out with in the past, and I do not know why, I fist bump-ed them. Female skin touching male skin. And it was me who initiated the move. Only after doing it did I realize, I am such a fool. After not doing it for so long, why am I the first to start it? Ya Allah, forgive me. I also met a Chinese friend who asked me since when did I start wearing the hijab and told me it was weird for him. The question that lies here is that, to become better do you have to abandon the people who does not help you to become one? I still need Your guidance..

Insya Allah, in this Holy month, I will find a better self. Replenish my soul and intentions only for the sake of Allah S.W.T. Amin Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Slipping

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings brothers and sisters! Life has been taking on its own course lately that I'm lost in its grip. Lately I feel that I have hurt people through my words and actions. I think that I am being myself.. but is it really my true self? If it is.. then I am so horrible. Ya Allah, what have I become? I need a renewal of faith and a slap to my face to remind me of my purpose on Earth.

I met someone who, in a way challenges me to become better. Being around her makes me think of this incompetent self of mine. That I'm a foolish servant. But in a good way I want to change myself to become like her. Like all the seniors I have met. It's a question I have to ask myself. When I return from UK, will I be one of those who are culture shocked or.. Insya Allah someone who knows herself, her religion and her God.

What I know now is that..

I climb, I slip, I fall.

And now I need to climb back up again, little by little, Insya Allah :)

Life.. and Questions

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings brothers and sisters! The month of April is here now. Alhamdulillah. It is all due to the blessings from Allah S.W.T. We wake up and continue to be grateful and live our lives but let's not forget who we are and where we come from.

In all honesty, I have not been keeping tabs to my end of the bargain. I do, I do still wear the hijab but I still, I still sometimes do not - especially now that I attend dance training. To be a full-fledged Muslimah there are things we have to sacrifice; things that should not have been brought into our culture in the first place. But in this modern mixed world, everything is upside down especially on the Islamic turnout. Many are believers but not many are doers.

My Mom keeps saying all what I am doing right now is a complete waste of time. I still do not know why.. am I still doing it. I attend dance training especially since I have been accepted into a group who now I treat as family, I go jamming with my band-mates every now and then, I just learned to play the guitar and practice to upgrade my skills when I assume I have nothing else to do, I still watch Korean dramas, Japanese dramas and anime. In a way all I'm doing is gaining skills and fulfilling desires for this world and this world only which gives entirely nothing to my Akhirah.

I guess we are all in the same boat. We know it is worthless but we still keep doing it. The drive to pursue our ambitions and dreams in this world pushes our faith aside or even if it is there, it is only a small piece of what should be whole and pure. We question it but we have no real answers. And here I am, writing about it and still getting nothing.

Life is a question that we have to solve. 19 years of living has gave me that. And I'm only still starting my journey.

Tongue-tied

Assalammualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Greetings my dear brothers and sisters! It has been a while. Why is it that when I am on the editing page I get writer's block but when I'm away from my laptop all these ideas keep coming in. But here I go! Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

The future... is a hard thing to think of. I am now in search of finding the right path towards the future and I pray everyday, that Allah S.W.T will lead me to the right one. Amin. A Level is over and done with... and this break is only temporary. How will I be able to spend my 6 months freedom to decide my future? My very own future. I cannot depend on opinions of others.. but I've heard people's opinions too and it helped me a bit in choosing my own path. What I can do now is pray and have faith.

I recently find myself having problems giving advises to people I am close with because I was once the girl who rarely prays and when I talk with them I give different kinds of advises, positive but.. worldly. Nowadays whenever people tell their problems to me, I still listen but.. I itch to say "Pray to Allah. Your solution is there." but I never could.. Because I know they would judge me. Isn't that sad and cowardly of me? Take a situation when they tell me about relationship problems. How they love someone with all their heart and their loved one is all they could think about. I used to tell them to go out and enjoy different kinds of activities.. something along those lines but now.... I feel like telling them "Remember Allah. He's always there for you." I guess I'm still pathetic. Because I don't want them to stay away from me I refrain from telling what should be told. I do not know what I should do.

Two years back I used to chill out from afternoon until midnight at different places and different people. Now two years later whenever I go to places and bump into those people, my heart aches.. how they are still.. the same. It's just that we are youths of an Islamic country. I want everyone to strive for the true path. How do I initiate a change in my brothers and sisters?

I now understand that the daily five prayers are truly the foundation of faith. It is the second pillar of Islam that we should obey. Without it, we are lost, disconnected from Allah S.W.T. I had a conversation with a friend the other day, and I have always been meaning to get her to perform her prayers but I never knew how to start because at that point of the conversation, things always get weird and uncomfortable. Some people, I notice, tend to stray away from religious conversations. When I finally said, "Start praying." her answer is "When I'm ready." I used to say the same thing - that one day I will start to pray on my own will and Alhamdulillah I finally came to it. But now that I've come to it, I realised another thing.. time is not on our side. What if.. the time when we are ready never comes because Nauzubillah, Allah takes away our life? And I never want that to happen to my family and friends... because I love them so much I want them to enter Jannah. Yes it definitely sucks when we are forced to pray because our heart is not in it but.. isn't that in itself the devil's call? To lure you away from the right path?

What I want is just for everyone to start praying no matter if our heart isn't in it yet because once we start praying, Insya Allah, Allah S.W.T will enlighten our soul. I truly believe that with prayers, come a change.

Thank You, Mother

Assalammualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

It's 7th February today. My mother, the person who carried me in her womb for 9 months, suffering through pain of bearing me, is one year older than her age last year. Her birthday is today. And although my sister is not home to bring us all out for dinner, I have my prayers for her. It must have been a roller-coaster journey raising me. I used to throw my tantrums and lose my temper easily. I was even slapped once or maybe twice. I admit I went overboard.

Dear mother, for your relentless efforts I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have yet to experience what you have. Like what you always tell me, I will feel what you feel when I have kids on my own but DO NOT continue the irreligious streak, pass on guides to Allah for my kids. Amin.

Mauliddur Rasul has just passed us but we WON'T stop remembering him and loving him. Allahuma Salli 'ala Sayyidina Muhammad. I have so much more to say but as my Graduation approaches, my time is mostly occupied by rehearsals and responsibilities.

I have to say that I need to purify my heart, back to a pure intention for Allah S.W.T. As people have been noticing my changes, I'm afraid that this heart will stray and I need to replenish my heart, mind and soul everytime by reading the Quran and Islamic books. Ya Allah, guide me through this dunia for akhirah.

To the end; to the beginning.

Assalammualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Without a doubt, 2011 is hours from ending and 2012 is hours from beginning. To be able to breathe now, I am thankful. Praises to Allah S.W.T. for giving me a chance to make a change and serve him at my utmost. Another year has passed after 2010. I might not be fully contented with myself now but I can rightfully admit that I've become better than who I used to be. Alhamdulillah.

I watched New Year's Eve, a Hollywood movie and I have to say that it is a beautiful story of how life changes due to decisions that we make. But we are Muslims; and our life differs so much than theirs who succumb to alcohol, pork or lust for joy. In no means am I critizing the other religions - I'm just saying that we as Muslims, are asked to control ourselves to achieve Jannah - a heaven for the servants who have served Allah S.W.T. with sincerity of Rasullah S.A.W.

Humans all over the world today are reunited, as we all enter 2012 Masihi together! As we are in the mid of Safar, I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Forgive and forget with sincerity the people who you have held on your grudges to, smile and start anew :) Change yourself step by step. Don't change into someone else, be someone better! Do charity! Do not hope and expect; instead say Alhamdulillah into the blessings that Allah S.W.T. has provided us with.

To my family, my best friends, my close friends, the people who I have just met, the people who I have loved - you have my gratitude for making me who I am today.

The Struggle

Assalammualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Everyone can start a change. I started to pray every day for the last two years (with the exception of some days and Subuh) and still went out without covering my aurat. Tell me, does that sound right? Thinking back I was shameful. But let me tell you what, it IS a start. Do not be ashamed, but do not be proud of it as well. Pray every day, renew your faith; eventually you will come to a firm decision to cover your aurat. A question I ask myself now, “How do you become a full Muslimah when you still walk out from your house uncovered?”

The undeniable truth, I am still struggling actually. REALLY STRUGGLING. You cannot imagine how I constantly battle with the desire to wear something nice which refers to revealing my body parts and showing my hair. The ugly truth be told, I love getting boys’ attention and being complimented by people. Who doesn’t? Now that I am midway of being fully covered, people just do not look at me as much. I am invisible in a way. Sometimes I miss those compliments and argue with myself to reveal my aurat to the world. But in the end the one question that brings me back to the real path is “Who do I want to please? People or Allah? Where do I want to go? Hell or Jannah?” THANK YOU ALLAH S.W.T. You are my savior. You know what is best for me. Alhamdulillah.

If I think about it deeper I should be grateful, boys only look at me when I’m uncovered which means they are full of lust. Being invisible now means I’m protected from shame, false accusations and eye undressing.

Fellow sisters, let me tell you, IT’S NOT WORTH IT. All the attention, the fame, the vanity – it cannot even compete with the enormous reward you will reap if you fight from it all.

I'm not perfect - I tend to make mistakes here and there still. I make judgements. But I pray everyday, that I can one step at a time throw the bad habits of mine.... purity is a hard thing to achieve but Insya Allah. With patience, doa and action we can change! Amin.