To the Version of Me Who Tried

I don't think I'll ever force a connection again.

Not like that.

Not where I'm constantly wondering
what I mean to someone.

Not where I'm trying to keep the conversation alive,
trying to find a reason to reach out,
trying to make the distance feel smaller.

Because now I realise
it was mostly in my head.

The closeness.
The meaning.
The possibility.

The idea that maybe,
if I tried a little harder,
cared a little more,
showed up a little more…

something would eventually come of it.

But it didn't.

And maybe it never was.

I was trying to create a connection
that wasn't naturally there.

And the saddest part?

They didn't hurt me as much as I hurt myself.

I kept expecting.
I kept interpreting.
I kept hoping.

And every time reality didn't match
the story in my head,

I was the one who got disappointed.

Not them.

Me.

Because I wanted it to be something.

I wanted them to matter.

I wanted me to matter to them.

And perhaps that's why it took so long
to let go.

I wasn't just letting go of a person.

I was letting go
of an idea.

The idea that maybe
if I just tried enough,

they'd meet me halfway.

But you can't build a bridge
by yourself
and call it a connection.

And I think…

I need to forgive myself for that.

For trying too hard.

For reading too much into things.

For hoping when the signs
were probably already there.

For wanting to be chosen
so badly
that I forgot to ask myself
whether I even felt valued.

I don't want to be cruel
to the version of me
who didn't know better.

She wasn't foolish.

She was just hopeful.

She cared.

She saw something beautiful
and wanted to believe
it could become something more.

And maybe that's not something
I need to be ashamed of.

Maybe I just need to learn
where to place that heart next time.

So no.

I don't think I'll force it again.

If I have to constantly convince myself
that someone wants me around,

I'll believe what their actions
are telling me.

If the connection is there,
I'll nurture it.

If it's mutual,
I'll cherish it.

But if I'm the only one reaching,
I'll stop.

Not because I'm bitter.
Not because I don't care.

But because I've finally learned
that I shouldn't have to abandon myself
just to keep someone else in my life.

Maybe it was all in my head.

Maybe I misunderstood everything.

Maybe I gave it more meaning
than it ever had.

And that's okay.

I'll let myself grieve it.

I'll let myself feel embarrassed.

I'll let myself miss what I thought it was.

And then…

I'll let myself go.

Gently.

Because I don't want this lesson
to turn me into someone colder.

I just want it to make me wiser.

So thank you,
to the version of me
who tried.

You did your best
with what you understood then.

But you don't have to keep trying anymore.

You can stop reaching.

You can stop wondering.

You can stop forcing.

If it doesn't naturally connect,
let it go.

And this time,

instead of hurting myself
trying to make someone stay,

I'll choose to stay
with myself.

Fallen Leaves

Leila: Rasulullah (peace be upon him) was the best of mankind. He was so patient.

Dania: But we're not him, Leila. I can't be that patient.

Leila: Yes we are not him but he is the best example for us.

***

Leila: Masya Allah look at that sister, she's so amazing fighting for her Deen. Don't you want to be just like her and better?

Dania: Yeah Alhamdulillah. That's just the way she is. I don't think I can be like that. I can't imagine myself that way.

Leila: Why?

Dania: I mean look at me.

Leila: What's wrong with you?

Dania: Do I look like I can be that person?

Leila: Of course. You don't have to be her. You just have to be you but better. We all have our own specialties. . Dania: I think I'll stay this way.

***

Why do we put a limit to our own growth? Why do we put a full-stop when where we are at is just a comma? Why are we defining our own future of hopelessness? Have we forgotten that with a "kun fayakun" Allah can make things happen? He made us happen.

Why do we put excuses such as we can't be Rasulullah (peace be upon him), or we can't be like the sahabah, or we can't be like the great leaders of all time? Like we are such futile beings? Why? I can understand excuses for people of the past but even with the people of the present who are moving forward, we are making excuses too. Why?

Have we forgotten that Allah has chosen us for a purpose? And now we're losing our own meaning. Slowly making choices that are distancing us from feeding our souls. Slowly making a choice that we are okay as we are- that we are too tired to fight a fight that we think is losing- that staying means being strangers compared to the norm of the society.

A fallen leaf who's letting herself be blown by the wind. Why are you not resisting? Your tree grew strong roots just so you can exist and make the world a greener and better place but you lost your will and weakened your root. So now you fall... and slowly... wither.

Raison D'etre

My eyes fluttered open to the blinding white light. In that second, all my five senses came to life grasping to take in my surrounding. I felt the warmth emanating from the duvet that covers most of my body. A beautiful melodious voice filled the air. The sound radiated tranquility in my heart and soul.

I saw someone praying wearing a black prayer clothing. Amirah. Someone was resting against the bed and reciting the Qur'an. Fathin. The source of the beautiful melodious voice. I smiled despite the dryness of my lips from the duration of my slumber. A question formed in my head, "Is this Jannah?".

I have never felt more peaceful until this moment in time. If time can be frozen, I pray it was frozen at that moment. Fully alert, I stayed on the bed and decided to let my eyes and ears became pilot to the story that was unfolding in front of me.

Amirah has finished praying. 2 raka'ahs of sunnah prayer. Fathin finished her last verse recitation, closed her tafsir and slowly made her way to the prayer mat. Amirah took her position to the right of Fathin, one step behind and adjusted her distance. After taking a moment to establish their intention, Fathin broke the silence, "Allahu Akbar".

My eyes started to close. I willed it to stay open, to witness the prayer of Fajr. Even if I wasn't standing beside them, at least I wanted to claim the reward of listening to the recitations too. So I forced myself up and dragged my feet to the toilet. I washed my face and brushed my teeth. As I went out of the toilet, they were already at the last tahiyyat.

Silence ensued as both Fathin and Amirah made their du'as. As they finished, they stood to take off their prayer clothings. But before they were able to do so, I looked at them with a face full of longing.

"Ma'thurat together?"

***

A journey to claim back our ikigai. Our raison d'etre. Our reason of being.

Stars

Remember, you are always that glowing speck of light. Some days, the clouds might block you from sight but know that, they will come and go but you- will always stay in the same place. Don't let anything else dull your shine.

Choose to shine brighter! Light up our world. Harness your potentials and embrace the heat of your passion.

I patiently await the arrival of the night sky, So I can gaze upon your glow until it's time to bid you goodbye.

Hear me whisper,

"Until next time."

The Parting

Can I ask you something?
Why did you go?
How can you leave me here like this?
We were great together
Ramadhan I.. 

The number you dial is unreachable please try again later.
Harap maaf nombor yang awda dail tidak dapat dihubungi. Sila cuba lagi.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I'm Syawal. Nice to meet you!
No. Go away. I'm not ready for you.

Fast forward 20 days later.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The fardhu prayers you are slowly delaying.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The sunnah prayers you are slowly abandoning.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The recitations you are slowly decreasing.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The good friends you are slowly avoiding.

STOP.
What's all this?
What are you trying to tell me?

I want to tell you that,
Just like Ramadhan I deserved to be loved like any other months
Although I agree in having preference
However, if you keep waiting for a specific time to start
Then the problem is not me it's you oh dear heart

Time changes
But not He with His Oneness
Submitting to the same God we are not strangers
Find deep in your heart His closeness

So please don't forget
Switch on a new mindset
In me 6 days equals a year
6 more days left to run after

O you who have believed, respond to Allah and to the Messenger when he calls you to that which gives you life.
Al-Anfal Ayah 24

It wasn't too long ago when we strived to be better
Is that effort now all up for scatter?
Wake up everyday it's "Now or never"
The end destination is still the HereAfter

Dream Catcher

Go and chase your dreams
Fly and flap your wings

Look beside you
And you'll find..

me.

Hey.. Old Friend

Hey old friend
You come again
Even without me calling

Hey old friend
You seem to be doing alright
But look at me I'm still the same

Hey old friend
Truth be told I'm ashamed to meet you
But you are still here nonetheless

But you know what old friend
A part of me yearns to embrace you
A part of me longs to love you

I want to change
And be better
So I can be a good friend to you

Ramadhan
My old friend
Can you please... give me a chance this time around?

Resilient

That I will stand tall, I won't fall
No matter how they try
To shake my faith
- what I stand for

Know that I will be resilient
Because I have The Mover of Hearts
And I pray that
He will make my heart firm upon the truth

Rough times call for souls to stay strong
To remain standing on the ground
Please don't get lost
In what is amusement... and play.

Locked Door

You can search the whole world map
And still won't be able to find her heart
Her heart's a locked door and the key is lost
You'll be able to knock but you cannot get close

Her love has always been in the air
But it is just a universal affair
Because the basis of her creation
Was love from The Creator of Love

Broken

Drained from the aura surrounding her, she forced a quick smile and gradually made her exit, finding her way towards the stairs, taking one step at a time slowly and deliberately. Her mind has switched off and her eyes turned into a blank stare. Lethargically opening the door, she walked towards her bed apathetically, lied down and hugged herself. As the events of the day unfolded in her mind, she felt a jolt of pain, throbbing her head into a panic frenzy. She hugged herself tighter... until she lost consciousness.

Opening her eyes, she wondered where she was. She searched for her watch and looked at the time- 7.14 p.m. "Oh no," she thought as Maghrib time was almost over. Wobbly, she made her way to the toilet to make her ablution. The water felt cold on her skin. Slightly rejuvenated, she began her fourth conversation to God with "Allahu Akbar". After her two raka'ah of sunnah prayer, she pressed the back of her body to the locker at the side. She wanted to say so many words but... to whom? A list of names came to mind but... it did not feel right. She brushed it all away and in the silence, she looked up. Her whole world suddenly came crashing down, inviting a stream of tears.

Allah...

Allah...

Allah...

"Stop crying," she scolded herself. It was futile. Whatever strength she had in herself has transformed into vulnerability. She hated it, she wanted to be strong all the time. Her tears became more frenzied. The adhaan was heard indicating it was 'Isya time. More sobs came. Her body has turned cold. Slapping her mind, she languidly stood, deciding to cleanse all the pain away.

She turned on the shower and raised the temperature as high as her body can handle. The world outside was too cold, too cold for her. She stood rigidly, letting the water flow furiously from the nozzle. Her face was burning but she could not care less. At that moment, her world was summed up in the heat, away from the coldness of the outside reality. Her mind only focused on the temperature of the water and how the external heat is in equilibrium with her internal temperature.

She was wallowing in her own misery.

Then a thought on her Prophet sallallahu 'alaihi wassalam struck her mind. Was this how he felt after the Taif incident or worse? She could not fathom the intense feeling Rasulullah sallallahu 'alaihi wassalam must have felt. And she sobbed even further. She allowed herself to indulge in the heat a little bit more and will-powered the muscles in her hand to turn the shower off. Exiting the shower, she was besieged by the intense cold temperature. Bracing the shiver surfacing, she faced this challenge head on. She felt a bit better.

Allahuma salli 'ala sayyidina Muhammad. Her Prophet sallallahu 'alaihi wassalam came to her rescue. Her love to him becomes greater.

The reflection in the mirror was smiling back at her. She donned her prayer garments and started her fifth conversation to God. "You're okay. You're going to be okay." With that in mind, she broke once again, only finding real solitude in her sujood. After her prayer, just like another revelation, a repeated one however, she truly realised, no matter what this world throws at her, no matter how massive her test will be and no matter lonely she feels, Allah will always be by her side.

He made fragile her whole essence, to let her find her way back to Him. Alhamdulillah...

With renewed vigour, she writes.

And Before You Love - Love Yourself

If only you knew you hold the future of the world in your hands. If only you knew you will be future mothers to your children and wives to your husbands. Would you not be the best woman to your ummah? Tell me; are you not impactful for the ummah's legacy? Truly, you are crucial to the ummah's growth.

The best women having the best names, you name it. Aisyah, Safiyyah, Khadijah and many more who has rocked this world with their soothing physical yet firm determination.

That is why I love you and always think about you.

But do you think of yourself?

Conclusion: If you do not respond to my love, that's okay.

If you do not respond to my love, that's okay. The objective of me scribbling this article is not to be loved back by you. But what I aspire is for you to love yourselves,

When I say, "I love you", that means "I want to live in heaven together."

If you do not want to enter heaven together with me, aspire to enter heaven yourself. Therefore, prepare yourself. The future is in your hands.

Taken from The Other Side of The Coin

I share the same sentiment as the author. Countless of women I know don't even love themselves to begin with; yet they continue to love. That is a dangerous love. Selfless does not mean you do not love yourself, selfless is knowing yourself enough that you are able to give with what you have without dying within. What for you continue giving when each day you wear thin? And to have a final outcome losing faith in Him?

My dear women, balance your love.

A Certain One

When your connection to God only exists in a certain someone, when you feel your imaan soars only with a certain someone and without a certain someone, you are just as hopeless as a wingless bird.

When your whole being craves a presence to always be with you. Because without a certain someone, you feel that your existence is futile.

If a certain someone is gone, you will find a replacement, putting your whole entity in a trust so immense that a certain someone feels the need to stay.

When a certain someone tries to break free, you chain that certain someone to always be within your grasp.

Your heart turns dark with envy when a certain someone tries to connect with another. You place a mask called love in that connection with a certain someone.

In reality, you just cannot stand the thought of yourself. Therefore in having a certain someone, you can run away from yourself.

I call you to stand up and fight. Let loose of the chains you have placed upon a certain someone .. and chain it to A Certain One.

Will I Stay or Will I Go?

I came close to a point where I wanted to give up on myself

Giving up being who I am now

But a voice at the back of my head keeps calling me

Over and over again

To believe in Allah

I tell myself I want a break. And I need a break.

But a break from what? Reality? Oh really it doesn't work that way.

It kind of feels that everyone is against me. I know it's not true. And all I want is to just run away. But everywhere I go I keep falling, learning about my own flaws.

How do I stand up now? This whole self I have known for 22 years... this whole confidence and courage I have built up- put to test. I want to smile and face the world but it's just...

Well a part of me has gone. That shining eyes I see in the mirror- it's getting dimmer day by day.

Hammered to a point where I believe this is the test for me:

will I stay or will I go?

And it hurts to think that, I even thought of going.

Allah, please show me the way.

Unwritten

Can you keep up with my heartbeat?
To the rhythm of my defeat
It's beating, beating in agony
Courtesy of my own phantasy

I've made a mistake of not trusting You
And now I have to face the consequence
I know I'll get over this someday somewhere
But right now this ache I just can't replace

So tonight I'll drown my sadness away
With a melody of remembrance
In hopes that my heart will tremble
Back to You.. to You

And here's my final gift
One last smile as tears fall down my face
With my hands over my heart
Goodbye to a story unwritten

Two Worlds Apart

Two people were destined to meet. An American in his fifties and a Bruneian in her twenties. He was a Christian and she was a Muslim. They were bound to meet as work colleagues.

This is not your typical love story. After a meeting they decided to stay in the meeting room doing their own work. Along the way a conversation was started with the man talking about how his exposure to Brunei has changed his insight. He saw something here that was missing in America: respect for the elderly. They exchanged opinions going so far as to the topic of religion and how it contributes to a person's conduct. He then asked her opinions on the need of 'giving' because he finds it hard to give especially when the people close to him demands it. His heart felt constricted. So she talked about the heart. And along the way he understood the wisdom she was trying to deliver. When she finished and was about to leave, he said,

"Thank you God for letting me meet Sarah."

In that second, I froze in place. And I could only smile, thanking God that as a person, I was able to help a fellow human, thinking how beautiful life can be, if you live it earnestly.

This is not your typical love story. This is a story about being human. He is a Christian and I am a Muslim. But we're no different because the heart functions the same. And we both understand that we, need God.

Paper Heart

As I appear in your life, you read a synopsis of myself.

Think of my heart as a book,
think of my soul as a character,
think of my mind as a writer,
think of my voice as a pen,
think of my thoughts as words,
think of my days as sentences,
think of my months as paragraphs,
think of my years as pages,
think of my age as chapters,
think of my life as a story,
think of my death... as the end.

Remember The Refugees

Washed ashore
That's all we will ever know
A second too quick
Scrolled down and skipped

Kept at bay
Surviving in astray
Screams and tears
From all these years

What's a heart
When it beats on ignorance
What's a life
When it lives unprotected

Washed ashore
That's all we will ever know..

Savior

I was once a kid with no direction
Living life in search of exhilaration
Then a savior found me and guided me to an ambition
For a life filled with devotion

Since honesty is the best policy
I can't see why this path is not for me
For what it's worth internally
This is really who I am meant to be

So please just let me rhyme
In the midst of our prime
Of a melody we used to chime
As a reminder for another time

Just A Thought

Arriving home last night, there was a parcel sitting on the shoe rack. I left it there as I thought it was an item that I ordered. This morning, after reading the Quran, enveloped in my pink throw and holding close my Paopu plushie, I stared at the plushie thinking whether I should get another one before going back to Brunei. Disregarding that thought, I decided to take the parcel on the shoe rack and open it. Carefully slitting the sellotape around the edges, I unfolded the wrap. To my absolute astonishment, I was presented with a colorful box. Bewildered, I opened the box and I swear my heart rate accelerated and my breathing became hitched. 

I was beyond speechless. 

A medium paopu plushie and two cards were carefully situated in the box. I could only stare for what seemed like ages before I could put my hands on the cards. 

"Assalamu'alaikum ka Sarah" ... 

 I can only thank Allah for He is The All Hearing, The All Seeing, The Most Loving heart emoticon It was only a small thought that crossed my mind, and He made it a reality in a matter of seconds! Allahu Akbar. Sometimes as constant sinners, we feel that we do not deserve any blessings but really, life in itself, every breath that we take, is His way of providing and caring for us. All we need to do is just submit to Him wholeheartedly. 

"Do they not know that Allah extends provision for whom He wills and restricts [it]? Indeed in that are signs for the people who believe. Say, 'O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.' "

(Az-Zumar: 52 - 53)

All We Are

"You were made by God and for God - 

and until you understand that,

life will never make sense."