To the Version of Me Who Tried

I don't think I'll ever force a connection again.

Not like that.

Not where I'm constantly wondering
what I mean to someone.

Not where I'm trying to keep the conversation alive,
trying to find a reason to reach out,
trying to make the distance feel smaller.

Because now I realise
it was mostly in my head.

The closeness.
The meaning.
The possibility.

The idea that maybe,
if I tried a little harder,
cared a little more,
showed up a little more…

something would eventually come of it.

But it didn't.

And maybe it never was.

I was trying to create a connection
that wasn't naturally there.

And the saddest part?

They didn't hurt me as much as I hurt myself.

I kept expecting.
I kept interpreting.
I kept hoping.

And every time reality didn't match
the story in my head,

I was the one who got disappointed.

Not them.

Me.

Because I wanted it to be something.

I wanted them to matter.

I wanted me to matter to them.

And perhaps that's why it took so long
to let go.

I wasn't just letting go of a person.

I was letting go
of an idea.

The idea that maybe
if I just tried enough,

they'd meet me halfway.

But you can't build a bridge
by yourself
and call it a connection.

And I think…

I need to forgive myself for that.

For trying too hard.

For reading too much into things.

For hoping when the signs
were probably already there.

For wanting to be chosen
so badly
that I forgot to ask myself
whether I even felt valued.

I don't want to be cruel
to the version of me
who didn't know better.

She wasn't foolish.

She was just hopeful.

She cared.

She saw something beautiful
and wanted to believe
it could become something more.

And maybe that's not something
I need to be ashamed of.

Maybe I just need to learn
where to place that heart next time.

So no.

I don't think I'll force it again.

If I have to constantly convince myself
that someone wants me around,

I'll believe what their actions
are telling me.

If the connection is there,
I'll nurture it.

If it's mutual,
I'll cherish it.

But if I'm the only one reaching,
I'll stop.

Not because I'm bitter.
Not because I don't care.

But because I've finally learned
that I shouldn't have to abandon myself
just to keep someone else in my life.

Maybe it was all in my head.

Maybe I misunderstood everything.

Maybe I gave it more meaning
than it ever had.

And that's okay.

I'll let myself grieve it.

I'll let myself feel embarrassed.

I'll let myself miss what I thought it was.

And then…

I'll let myself go.

Gently.

Because I don't want this lesson
to turn me into someone colder.

I just want it to make me wiser.

So thank you,
to the version of me
who tried.

You did your best
with what you understood then.

But you don't have to keep trying anymore.

You can stop reaching.

You can stop wondering.

You can stop forcing.

If it doesn't naturally connect,
let it go.

And this time,

instead of hurting myself
trying to make someone stay,

I'll choose to stay
with myself.

Fallen Leaves

Leila: Rasulullah (peace be upon him) was the best of mankind. He was so patient.

Dania: But we're not him, Leila. I can't be that patient.

Leila: Yes we are not him but he is the best example for us.

***

Leila: Masya Allah look at that sister, she's so amazing fighting for her Deen. Don't you want to be just like her and better?

Dania: Yeah Alhamdulillah. That's just the way she is. I don't think I can be like that. I can't imagine myself that way.

Leila: Why?

Dania: I mean look at me.

Leila: What's wrong with you?

Dania: Do I look like I can be that person?

Leila: Of course. You don't have to be her. You just have to be you but better. We all have our own specialties. . Dania: I think I'll stay this way.

***

Why do we put a limit to our own growth? Why do we put a full-stop when where we are at is just a comma? Why are we defining our own future of hopelessness? Have we forgotten that with a "kun fayakun" Allah can make things happen? He made us happen.

Why do we put excuses such as we can't be Rasulullah (peace be upon him), or we can't be like the sahabah, or we can't be like the great leaders of all time? Like we are such futile beings? Why? I can understand excuses for people of the past but even with the people of the present who are moving forward, we are making excuses too. Why?

Have we forgotten that Allah has chosen us for a purpose? And now we're losing our own meaning. Slowly making choices that are distancing us from feeding our souls. Slowly making a choice that we are okay as we are- that we are too tired to fight a fight that we think is losing- that staying means being strangers compared to the norm of the society.

A fallen leaf who's letting herself be blown by the wind. Why are you not resisting? Your tree grew strong roots just so you can exist and make the world a greener and better place but you lost your will and weakened your root. So now you fall... and slowly... wither.

Raison D'etre

My eyes fluttered open to the blinding white light. In that second, all my five senses came to life grasping to take in my surrounding. I felt the warmth emanating from the duvet that covers most of my body. A beautiful melodious voice filled the air. The sound radiated tranquility in my heart and soul.

I saw someone praying wearing a black prayer clothing. Amirah. Someone was resting against the bed and reciting the Qur'an. Fathin. The source of the beautiful melodious voice. I smiled despite the dryness of my lips from the duration of my slumber. A question formed in my head, "Is this Jannah?".

I have never felt more peaceful until this moment in time. If time can be frozen, I pray it was frozen at that moment. Fully alert, I stayed on the bed and decided to let my eyes and ears became pilot to the story that was unfolding in front of me.

Amirah has finished praying. 2 raka'ahs of sunnah prayer. Fathin finished her last verse recitation, closed her tafsir and slowly made her way to the prayer mat. Amirah took her position to the right of Fathin, one step behind and adjusted her distance. After taking a moment to establish their intention, Fathin broke the silence, "Allahu Akbar".

My eyes started to close. I willed it to stay open, to witness the prayer of Fajr. Even if I wasn't standing beside them, at least I wanted to claim the reward of listening to the recitations too. So I forced myself up and dragged my feet to the toilet. I washed my face and brushed my teeth. As I went out of the toilet, they were already at the last tahiyyat.

Silence ensued as both Fathin and Amirah made their du'as. As they finished, they stood to take off their prayer clothings. But before they were able to do so, I looked at them with a face full of longing.

"Ma'thurat together?"

***

A journey to claim back our ikigai. Our raison d'etre. Our reason of being.

Stars

Remember, you are always that glowing speck of light. Some days, the clouds might block you from sight but know that, they will come and go but you- will always stay in the same place. Don't let anything else dull your shine.

Choose to shine brighter! Light up our world. Harness your potentials and embrace the heat of your passion.

I patiently await the arrival of the night sky, So I can gaze upon your glow until it's time to bid you goodbye.

Hear me whisper,

"Until next time."

The Parting

Can I ask you something?
Why did you go?
How can you leave me here like this?
We were great together
Ramadhan I.. 

The number you dial is unreachable please try again later.
Harap maaf nombor yang awda dail tidak dapat dihubungi. Sila cuba lagi.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I'm Syawal. Nice to meet you!
No. Go away. I'm not ready for you.

Fast forward 20 days later.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The fardhu prayers you are slowly delaying.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The sunnah prayers you are slowly abandoning.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The recitations you are slowly decreasing.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The good friends you are slowly avoiding.

STOP.
What's all this?
What are you trying to tell me?

I want to tell you that,
Just like Ramadhan I deserved to be loved like any other months
Although I agree in having preference
However, if you keep waiting for a specific time to start
Then the problem is not me it's you oh dear heart

Time changes
But not He with His Oneness
Submitting to the same God we are not strangers
Find deep in your heart His closeness

So please don't forget
Switch on a new mindset
In me 6 days equals a year
6 more days left to run after

O you who have believed, respond to Allah and to the Messenger when he calls you to that which gives you life.
Al-Anfal Ayah 24

It wasn't too long ago when we strived to be better
Is that effort now all up for scatter?
Wake up everyday it's "Now or never"
The end destination is still the HereAfter

Dream Catcher

Go and chase your dreams
Fly and flap your wings

Look beside you
And you'll find..

me.

Hey.. Old Friend

Hey old friend
You come again
Even without me calling

Hey old friend
You seem to be doing alright
But look at me I'm still the same

Hey old friend
Truth be told I'm ashamed to meet you
But you are still here nonetheless

But you know what old friend
A part of me yearns to embrace you
A part of me longs to love you

I want to change
And be better
So I can be a good friend to you

Ramadhan
My old friend
Can you please... give me a chance this time around?